Aren’t I meant to give them lasagne or something?
How to be there for a grieving friend… without burning down your kitchen.
There’s just something about grief and baked goods. It’s ingrained in us that when something terrible happens, we need to promptly deliver a home-cooked meal. A death in the family? Better pull out the lasagne recipe. Sick little one? Time for soup. Unexpected, very bad news? Well, that’s a job for biscuits. Biscuits make everything better.
Sure, a home-made meal is one of the best (and tastiest) ways to let someone know you’re thinking of them — not to mention, give them three months off figuring out what to make for dinner. But it’s not the only way.
Often, the tiniest gesture can have the biggest impact. For example, when our head honcho Sam was grieving her mum, one of her besties would message once a week without fail — she would ask Sam how she was going, tell her how loved she was and that she was so proud of her. It always made Sam’s week!
Above all else, this is all about letting them know they’re heard and seen. It’s about acknowledging what’s happened. And it’s about respecting their way of coping — whether that means crying themselves to sleep in their late loved one’s PJs, or drinking a bottle of tequila and shaving their head. Anything goes.
Here are some of the simple and kind things you can do to help, even for a second. No cooking skills required.
Say something. Anything! Okay, maybe not anything.
This is a textbook case of ‘saying nothing is worse than saying something’. So reach out, call, email, text or drop in; no matter how awkward you feel. And if you can’t think of anything to say, start with “I have no idea what to say, but I’m here for you.”
Avoid trying to find the silver lining. The silver lining does not exist.
Us humans love to look on the bright side. But just this once, don’t. Sometimes, things f****ing suck, and they should be addressed as such.
Offer to put them in touch with someone that understands.
Let’s say your friend’s mum is diagnosed with dementia and has no idea about what to do next. Is there someone you know that’s familiar with the process? Offer to connect them, but don’t push it if they’re not interested.
Your friend isn’t going to call — take the initiative.
In normal circumstances, telling your friend to “call if they need anything” is helpful and generous. In this circumstance, it’s kinda lazy. Instead, just fill them in with what you’ve decided. For example, “I’ll be dropping over your groceries at 11am. If you’re not up for a visit, I’ll text you when they’re at the door.”
Keep an SOS plan up your sleeve.
Everyone deals with grief in their own way, so it’s important to prepare for a range of reactions. Chat with your family or circle of friends so they can rally around, and make sure each person has a role.
Don’t compare your not-as-bad bad news.
If you’ve been through a very similar situation, you can absolutely drop this into conversation in case they’re looking for guidance. If your experience is not as dire, try not to rely on this in order to relate to your pal, or make them feel better.
Make their day-to-day easier.
Realistically, you can’t cure their grief, but you can take care of the mundane life admin tasks that they don’t need to be focusing on right now. We’re looking at you, wheelie bins.
Ask questions and listen. Really listen.
Occasionally, the purpose of listening is not to give your advice — it’s just to listen. So check in with your loved one, gauge their reaction, ask them questions (if they’d like to talk about it) and then really take in what they have to say.
Sometimes a check-in or nice gesture from a kind-hearted friend is enough to remind them they aren’t alone. Other times, they need alcohol. If you think your friend would love a surprise, head to the Shop.
Love,
Honest & Bold
PS. If you, or someone you know is struggling with grief, we’d recommend calling LifeLine for a chat on 13 11 14 .